Highs and Lows

Thanks to everyone for your notes of encouragement and prayers. This process is tough on the heart and spirit - some days are so great I feel like I might burst, followed by days that I think we may lose this battle and this little soul.

This week we had a big update. On a whim, I sent another letter to Kim in jail. In it I told her what I had planned on telling her on the phone - that Brian and Meg would like to adopt her baby and a little about them. I also filled a pre-paid calling account to my number and told her to call anytime.

Friday afternoon I was at the park with the kids and SHE CALLED! This woman I had been thinking and praying about for months was on the phone! My heart was beating out of my chest when I heard her first words, "It's a boy. I don't know where you're getting your information." (I had thought it was a girl up to this point)

Clearly, she was ready for a fight. I took the conversation in an entirely different direction. "Oh my goodness, Kim, I can't believe it's you. You're really calling me! I've been thinking about you and praying about you for months now. I can't believe it's really you. How are you feeling? Are you getting enough to eat? Sleeping ok?"

The conversation obviously hadn't started the way she expected. After disarming her, we talked about her legal situation (how it's not her fault, of course), that she's feeling ok, and that she would like a few things:
1 - To talk to her sister (Amy), who I have been in close contact with.
2 - Shampoo and Conditioner
3 - Some money in her commissary account

We talked about baby and Brian and Megan, and she told me, "I'm not in shape to give this baby a stable environment." This made my heart soar! She's open to adoption! I talked about her other children and how this baby could have a relationship with them and what wonderful parents Brian and Meg will be. I also expressed to her the most important next step: signing the HIPPA waiver, so we can see baby's (and her) health. She wasn't keen on this, but I explained it has nothing to do with giving baby up, it's just so we know baby's health.

She said a few times that she has a big decision to make.

I promised I would fill phone accounts so she can talk to her family and I would fill her commissary account. We left the conversation on great terms, me promising to do my list and me asking her to please sign a HIPPA waiver so we can get baby's health. With one minute to go on the call I expressed how happy I was to hear from her and that she can call me anytime.

After hanging up, I was on cloud 9! I could not believe she actually called me and discussed giving baby up! She didn't tell me to go fly a kite or to leave her alone. It was thrilling! After filling Brian and Meg in I was elated, my hopes up and feeling so great.

Saturday night at dinner, she called again. I couldn't believe it. What did she want to say? Had I effected her so much that she wanted to learn more about Brian and Meg? Or did she want me to bug off? I was so nervous again.

She wanted her sister's phone number. Since I had her on the phone I took the opportunity to explain to her that I had funded calls to her sister and her mom, as well as my phone. I also sent her 2 care packages to the jail and funded her commissary account. She was blown away I had done everything I had said I would do. And in less than 24 hours.

We spoke briefly and my elation came crashing down.
1 - She might get out of jail. She's on a 90 day hold and if she's not indicted then she'll be released in 30 days.
2 - Baby is due in July, not June.
3 - She asked for snacks.

I didn't ask her the hard question, "What will you do with baby if you get out of jail?" It was on the tip of my tongue, but I just didn't say it. I don't know why. After hanging up, I was dejected. Not only might she get out of jail before baby is born, but she asked for something - meaning that she now things of me as a benefactor that wants to do things for her. Evidently, I had not made my stance of doing things to secure baby a safe home abundantly clear.

More bad news. Long story short, Amy, her sister spoke to Kim (on my dime), and they discussed an option of Amy taking baby temporarily. When Amy told me this I wanted to scream!!! That is NOT an option we discussed. Amy is a former meth-head coke addict with her own issues with DCFS. She has 4 kids aged 7-19 and is on welfare. She can't afford another baby and even more importantly, this is not the best thing for baby. Baby needs to be in a stable environment from day 1.

Brian and Meg aren't interested in adopting a baby from a temporary situation. They want a baby from day 1. A decision I 100% respect. They will eventually get a baby. If it's not Kim's son, then they will get another. I would LOVE to have it be this little boy - but if Amy wants to take custody then I need to save my own heart and walk away now.

This weekend alone was an incredible ride. A crazy high just talking to Kim, followed by just as much dejection upon hearing that Amy told Kim she is an option.

I have such respect for people who work in this kind of environment and can stay emotionally ambivalent. My heart is so invested in this baby and his welfare. And I'm just so disappointed in Amy. We had talked at length about whether or not she wanted this baby, and the answer was always No. Now she's willing to take custody? What is this change of heart? Why is this something that hadn't come up before? I feel so blind-sided.

I'm not giving up yet. Ironically, Brian is the most wonderful resource, he talks me off the ledge regularly. He and Meg have been through this twice before, just to lose a baby. I can't imagine doing this waiting and "what if" game over and over. They have built a thick skin and are good at being guarded - I'm just not. I feel guilty when he coaches me on what to say or do next, but in the end, this is for them.

Our next step is to wait for the HIPPPA waiver to be signed. We also assume Kim will reach out when the money runs out. Either the phone calls or the commissary. At which point we'll ask for some skin in the game from her.

This whole process is infuriating, frustrating, elating and crazy. This child has affected me so much, but dealing with the adults around him is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Keeping my real thoughts and feelings to myself and "making nice" with this woman is SUCH a challenge for me. But maybe that's why this has been set in my path.

I told Kim this, and I have to believe it's true: there must be some kind of divine intervention here. Something that's brought us together - Kim and I - for me to be on this crusade that's really none of my business. To spend this kind of energy and to have this much sustained passion. This can't be just me, there must be more to it. And I'm not dissuaded. I'm moving forward. Maybe changing my strategy, but I will not give up on this little man. Not until I know every avenue has been exhausted.

Thanks in advance for your prayers.

Love - K